by: Rev. Dr. Anna Hall
Conflict in churches and other organizations is normal and healthy. If we all shared exactly the same opinion, we would only need a church council of one person. Think of how much meeting time we would save! Yet God created us in all of our diversity and pronounced it good. When we are willing to share our thoughts in discernment and decision-making, we make better decisions and can more clearly hear God’s call for our congregation.
Unfortunately, we tend to see conflict as negative and this leads to a few common responses:
- Avoiding the conflict and pretending it is not happening.
- Rushing to pacify or please the person voicing a dissenting voice.
- Dividing into teams or factions through triangulation or lobbying.
To prevent these less-than-healthy responses to conflict, congregations need to be ready to embrace differences of opinion and use them for good. What good things can come of a conflict over church decisions?
- Stronger relationships as we know each other better
- Better decisions as we have more information and ideas
- Practice loving others when we disagree with them
On that last one, the future of our world may depend on us getting it right, so why not practice it whenever we have the opportunity.
How can you practice healthy approaches to conflict as a congregation? I can think of three good places to start.
- Develop a behavioral covenant that outlines how you will treat one another in good times and in hard seasons. How will you speak to one another? How will you listen? How will you love? This type of promise to each other will help you intervene with your friends and fellow congregants in loving ways when they are veering away from healthy communications. You can review the promises you made together regularly and talk about where you might be struggling. Above all, such a covenant will keep healthy relationships top-of-mind no matter the circumstances. We at Convergence have samples of such documents if you need help developing one for your congregation.
- Get trained in healthy communications and conflict transformation. Don’t wait until you are in the midst of a sticky situation. You will need these skills to be a vital congregation, so there’s no time like the present. We can lead a Convergence Healthy Communications and Conflict Transformation workshop in your congregation over Zoom, in person, or in a hybrid format. These workshops will train you in a process for transforming conflicts and practice through role plays so you will be ready when conflict arises.
- Address unhealthy conflict behaviors head-on. If someone in your congregation is lobbying, triangulating, or even bullying (this includes yelling, threats to withdraw money or attendance, negative gossip, anonymous notes/emails/petitions, etc.) in order to get their way on an issue, go to them and let them know that this is not the way we practice beloved community. Take another wise and compassionate leader with you if needed. Consider their current roles, as they may not be suitable for serving in lay leadership or on staff during this season because of these unhealthy behaviors. They may even need to take a break from the congregation if they are not able to participate in loving ways.
These conversations will be difficult but are absolutely necessary for congregational vitality. A Convergence coach or consultant can help you strategize how to have these hard conversations and provide support or encouragement as you work through them.
No healthy person will join or step into lay leadership in a congregation when unhealthy conflict behaviors are common. If you struggle to engage new people or develop lay leaders, this may be a cause.
We can help you build skills, develop strategies, and do the hard work of transforming conflict in your congregation. Don’t hesitate to reach out to me to talk about your needs and how we can work together.
