by: Rev. Cameron Trimble, CEO of Convergence
I often find myself in conversations within congregations where, after a while, the same theme emerges: frustration. Whether it’s about a decision made by leadership, a disagreement with another member, or how things used to be better in the past, the conversation often circles around a shared sense of dissatisfaction. And as I listen, I can’t help but wonder: When is expressing these frustrations helpful for the congregation, and when does it become a burden?
In any community—especially in congregations where people care deeply about their shared mission—there’s room for sharing when something feels off. If an event doesn’t meet expectations or a meeting wasn’t as productive as hoped, it’s healthy to give voice to those concerns. Speaking up helps leaders understand what needs attention and provides an opportunity for growth. There’s real value in open communication; it’s part of living honestly within a connected community.
But then there’s a fine line we often cross—when a concern turns into a story about being wronged, or worse, when it becomes a pattern of complaining. Suddenly, it’s not just about one poorly organized event, but about how things never go right in the congregation. Or it’s not just about one disagreement, but about how people here always let me down.
The reality is that within our congregations, we can easily fall into these cycles. It feels good, in the moment, to tell the story of how things aren’t working or how we’ve been wronged. It’s a way to validate our frustrations and gain sympathy. But after a while, these narratives stop serving us—and the larger group. They create an environment where negativity can take root, overshadowing the good that is happening.
And let’s be honest—this constant retelling of grievances can be exhausting. We leave gatherings or meetings feeling more drained than when we arrived. It’s not always the actual issues or workload that weigh us down—it’s the way we carry those frustrations forward, telling ourselves a story that we are somehow victims of circumstances.
Of course, it’s essential to share our feelings, especially when something is genuinely not working. Congregational life thrives on transparency and dialogue. But there comes a point where we need to ask ourselves: Is the story I’m telling—about how things always go wrong—helping me, or is it just adding weight to my heart?
We don’t have to dismiss our frustrations or concerns, but we can look at them through a different lens. Can we express our feelings without letting them turn into a narrative that keeps us stuck in negativity? Can we move from being “wronged” to asking how we might contribute to a solution?
This isn’t about judging those who complain or dismissing genuine concerns. It’s about recognizing that sometimes, our stories hold us back. They keep us from seeing the broader picture and moving forward together as a connected, collaborative group.
As we navigate life in our congregations, perhaps there’s an invitation here to pause and ask: Is this frustration I’m holding onto serving the health of our congregation, or is it simply reinforcing a “story of me” that’s keeping me stuck? As Eckhart Tolle wisely said, “Leave the situation, change the situation, or accept it. All else is madness.”
In our congregations, where we strive to live and work as one, there’s always an opportunity to choose how we respond—to frustrations, to change, and to each other. Let’s consider how we can move from complaint to constructive conversation, from negativity to nurturing the community we are called to build together.
